Aging, Women’s Plight

Dr. Jyoti Patil

Why women are still treated as a secondary member of the family? In a tele-soap ‘Sujata’ which is being aired by Sony Entertainment channel, the protagonist, Sujata is shown as a victim of such treatment. Her husband does not have time for her and her children have their own life. Getting neglected from all quarters she feels all alone and suffers her acute sorrow without even expressing it. Luckily she is visited by her old time college friend who had some soft corner for her. He immediately understands her trauma and tries to give her the pleasure of little things in life about which her husband could never think of, as he only keeps on expecting things from her and never tries to care for her needs. Is it the story of most of the women who devote and sacrifice their lives in taking care of their spouses, children and other relatives and in return get only cold shoulders?

In a woman’s life a time comes when she feels neglected and forlorn. A vacuum is created in her life after a certain age. When young she has to follow her parents’ instructions. When married she has to listen to her husband as well as her in-laws. When her children grow she has to look after them. But after a certain point of time when everything is settled and she has proved herself to be a good daughter, a good wife and a good mother, she needs some time to look after her own needs and requirements.

When she is a daughter her needs are postponed or sacrificed for her parents wishes. If she wants to join some course which is too expensive, she will be told to do something else and she will accept their suggestions to please them. When she is a wife she has to take care of her husband and other relatives and listen to their needs and demands. Quite often she has to again sacrifice her own likes and dislikes. When she becomes a mother the responsibilities are increased manifold. Her priorities turn towards taking good care of her children. During all these phases in life she makes lots of sacrifices without even letting others know about her heart.

At the crossroads
After pouring so much of love in the life of her family members, a stage comes in her life when she realizes that no one has time to care for her or to pay attention to her feelings and emotions. Her husband is busy outside in office work or his business and hardly has any free time to talk to her. She misses her husband’s love and care from where it is expected the most. Her children also get their friends and their own life to spend. They only turn to her when they need something from her. She stands alone doing her duties and serving the needs of her dear ones.
At the crossroads she stands alone. Quite often she tries to do something to keep herself busy. She joins some ladies club, kitty party or some part time jobs like taking tuitions, hobby classes etc. These activities keep her busy physically but mentally her emotional void becomes widened. She faces one or the other physical problems. Moreover if it is her perimenopausal stage which is a natural phenomenon in the evening of her life, she gets emotionally disturb and sometimes goes into depression. If she is not understood by the people around her, she faces a very tough time.

Women are more emotional:
It has been proved scientifically that women are more emotional than men. Therefore a woman suffers much if something goes wrong around her. She doesn’t forget things easily if something hurts her. She needs someone to listen to her hearts. She wants to pour her hearts to someone who cares for her. But in this busy world it is really difficult to have someone who can listen to her silly talks. If she gets emotionally involved with some male member then it is a tough time facing social stigma. If she doesn’t find anybody to share her thoughts she goes into depression or such other ailments which later on turn to chronic physical problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, joints pain, backache, migraine, hormonal imbalance, etc. But it is quite relieving if she gets a good female friend to whom she can confide all such things which may look silly to others but very important for her. It is a real stress buster if she spends some time talking general things in life.

Talking silly things are really an important part of life:
It is also scientifically proved that gossiping amongst friends and peer group even in offices refreshes you and relieves you of the burden of your work. It also replenishes you with renewed energy to work afresh. Talking and sharing your views with someone relieves you from the daily pressure of work and gives you a refreshing change. Let it be about Sachin Tendulkar’s performance, Salman’s ‘Thus kaa Dum’ or something about family life. All such things look silly but these things provide you a mental relaxation and a stress free time which is by all medical parameters essential in this fast changing lifestyle. For a woman at this stage it is the best remedy from such stresses which haunt her as she can not share such things easily. She finds that her near and dear are not so close and hardly have time to pay heed to her emotional needs. At this juncture if she happens to find someone who can at least listen to what is going on in her mind gives her emotional satisfaction. But in most cases she does not get anyone and suffers the pangs of suppressed feelings all alone.

At the fag end of her life she wants to lead her own life according to her own wishes and desires. She wants to be free from the responsibilities of living for others and what she desires should be respected by those who lived all their life expecting from her and depending on her for their tiniest work.

Different Experiences:

Raashi Jain was a lecturer teaching M.Sc. classes before marriage but after marriage she came to Nagpur leaving her permanent job. She became busy in household affairs and dropped the idea of doing job for the sake of her family. She was blessed with two little daughters and became busy in looking after them. Her husband was an accounts officer in a Govt. dept. When daughters grew up they require more money for their proper brought up. She then thought of doing teaching job as suggested by her husband. But things have been quite different after so many years of gap in her career. Ultimately she got a teacher’s job in a local school to teach 7th and 8th standard children. Her professional career was completely shattered. Moreover the talent who could have taught post graduate classes with professional ease has gone wasted in taking lower classes. I was witness to the fact that, where she was a lecturer in a PG College I was a PG student and I also came to Nagpur after marriage. I started my career as a senior college lecturer and found Ms Raashi Jain in the same institution as a school teacher after so many years and I felt extreme pity for her. What was her fault? Now she has the only satisfaction of making her daughters engineers and settled down but at what cost? She is at the crossroads in the evening of her life.

Reeta Bedi is a working woman who was happily married to the family of four, her husband, his mother and father and a sister. She managed both the fronts quite efficiently and made her husband and family satisfied. To make everyone happy around her, she worked round the clock without paying much attention to her own needs and desires. After three years she became the mother of two children and her sis-in-law also got married. Responsibilities increased and she devoted most of time to growing children and household work apart from her office job. But she could not share her tensions of office work with anyone at home. She had to teach her children after her work and prepare meals for the family as usual. Time passed by and gradually her children became independent and she kept a domestic help for household work. Now she feels a little free but still she does not find anyone with whom she can share her heart’s burden. Her husband is caring and loving but certain things can not be shared even with the husband. Where should she go? Keeping herself busy is not the absolute solution of this problem. Who will see to her forgotten needs and desires?

Rupa Gupta is an elderly lady with two grownup children. When the children were young she did not have a single second to spare as she had to do so many things like preparing kids’ lunchboxes, getting them ready for school, taking their homework, teaching them for school tests and feeding them their choicest dishes apart from regular household chores. Her husband was always busy outside being an executive in a reputed firm and Rupa had to do other outside work too like bank transaction, purchasing vegetables and other household things. She did not have a single second to think about her needs and requirements. Gradually children became independent and not much of the household work fell on her. But perhaps she was not ready for such change and she started feeling emptiness in her life. This emptiness syndrome was too acute in her case. She fell ill and went into depression. But to overcome the problem of emptiness she started taking tuitions but this was only a temporary relief. Perhaps she might get busy when her children get married and need a nanny for their children. Is it the solution of the problem that you again live for someone else not for yourself?

(Article for Dainik Bhasker ‘Impressions’ published on 25th Aug 2008)