Parenting Teenage Daughters
By Jyoti Prakash Patil
Teen years for girls today are a period of real dangers and challenges. Girls entering puberty often face a crisis in confidence which makes them vulnerable to risky behaviour, and these bad choices can have devastating lifelong consequences. The onset of puberty, adolescence, and moral independence is a particularly precarious time for daughters and an era of trauma for their mothers. Once this phase sprouts into full bloom an outgoing, productive kid can turn into a frustrating, sulky, and self-centered teenager. There are special challenges to raising teenage daughters. How can we teach out daughters to be safe, while encouraging their independence and self-confidence?
What’s perhaps even worse than the dangerous opportunities teenage girls are at risk for is the fact that most of them will not talk to their parents about these dangers they face. No matter how good your communication is with your daughter, there are things she will not and cannot tell you, things she needs desperately to tell someone. The answer to this problem is being your daughter’s best friend. One of the most rewarding relationships is when a mother steps forward to mentor her daughter’s best friend.
Mothers and Daughters
Mothers are biologically very close to their daughters and daughters also feel safer in mothers’ company than any body else. Sometimes teenage girls won’t like to discuss their personal problems with their mother or father. In such circumstances it is best to provide them with a mentor. You must point your daughter toward a trustworthy role model – an aunt, a cousin, a grandmother, a teacher, a friend, or some other responsible caring woman. The most important thing a mentor can do is to listen and to lead by example. She isn’t there to judge, punish or condemn. And as crucial as her role becomes, it is a temporary one – a mentor will never replace a mother.
Fathers and Daughters
Daughters are emotionally close to their fathers. If fathers are concerned about their daughters, they like to open their minds to fathers and discuss some issues. But they hesitate to discuss personal problems with their fathers. Still they can get a lot of emotional support from fathers when mothers are nagging and extra strict. Their natural inclination towards their fathers gives them emotional strength to face the challenges of the outside world which is today not so conducive for girls of this age. Strained relations of parents may complicate their own problems hundredfold.
But the mother-daughter bond will remain a dominant force in your daughter’s life for as long as she walks on this earth. There are however certain problems that your teenage daughter faces which she might not be comfortable discussing with you. A few of them are listed below.
"My mom doesn’t care about me." Girls need emotional support from their mother more than from anyone else. If mothers are busy ignoring their daughters that can create a serious problem. Daughters may take some wrong steps or turn towards someone else for emotional support. Quite often they involve themselves with some male member or close friend which can lead to more complications later on. They may become defiant and adamant and their relations with other members of the family may be strained.
"I hate myself. I want to kill myself." Girls are more emotional and sensitive than boys and need more emotional care. They suffer depression more than boys do. Girls are like fragile glassware and need extra caution during their teens. Love, care and concern should be given to them and for such things parents need to give more time to their daughters. More time does not mean staying near her, passing remarks on her, giving her all sorts of advices. Giving more time means spending quality time with them to win their confidence, to make them feel important, loved and cared for. Daily talk to them on various matters of their interest and take them for outing to win their confidence.
"Somebody is harassing or behaving in vulgar manner." Girls are always at high risk of being physically or sexually abused either by their father, close relative or friend. In a survey it was found that 32% of adolescent girls become victims of some form of physical or sexual abuse either done to them by their father, close relative or friend. Most abuse occurs at home, occurs more than once, and occurs as a result of the actions of a family member or a friend of the family. The very first precaution, as a parent you have to take is that never leave your daughter in custody of any male member whether the person is very old or very close to you. Be extra careful that she be not left alone with any male member unnecessarily for a longer period of time specially during night hours. Girls may have serious reactions of shame, guilt and self-hatred following these episodes. These are some of the problems which your teenage daughter might not discuss with you out of fear, embarrassment and insult. In such circumstances if you feel that your daughter is behaving strangely or seems disturbed and doesn’t want to discuss her problems with you, you can ask her friend or teacher or any female relative who is close to her, to help you out.
"I did something wrong." Teenage girls now a days don’t find it big deal to lose their virginity and ultimately end up being pregnant. Remember that even if she has done something dreadfully wrong she is your daughter and you must let her know that you love her and you are always there for her irrespective of what has happened is wrong or right. At this stage they need your full emotional support and care. Don’t let them feel guilty. Take positive steps to solve the problem at the earliest and try to divert her attention to some constructive and mind soothing activities in place of scolding or beating her. Beating or any apparent anger may lead to more serious complications, as we have seen recently in Aarushi murder case where her relation with her father can be gauged in her e-mail. There are many amicable solutions to difficult problems. But for this we have to be strong and open hearted.
Mrs. Kalpana Ratkanthiwar, a mother of two young daughters feels that it is a real challenge to groom teenage daughters in this cyber age where they know more than their parents do and do not want to be interfered unnecessarily by parents or any body else in the family. She feels that generally parents criticize their teenage daughters in place of guiding them properly and gradually a void is created which is not conducive either for the parent or for the daughter. She tackled all such problems by becoming her daughters’ good friend and letting them enjoy their own freedom and privacy.
An expert consultant for adolescent girls, Dr. Chhaya Lanjewar opined that teenage daughters should be given proper diet because in this age of Zero Figure craze they want to imitate their icons. At this growing age they need more nutritious food which includes iron-rich vegetables, proteins, carbohydrates, vitamins and minerals. They should be given proper guidance in hygiene and sanitation, about regular exercises and about problems and diseases from care to be taken during periods to dreaded diseases like HIV, AIDS, etc. For parents specially mothers, Dr. Chhaya Lanjewar says that they should be open to their daughters and like parents of previous generation they should not keep secret it may be dangerous. Give them clear ideas about what might happen and to what extent they should go to enjoy their freedom. It is necessary to communicate with them to maintain a good friendly relationship for their overall development.
Particularly, a kind, warm, solid relationship with mothers who demonstrate respect for their daughters, an interest in their activities, and set firm boundaries for those activities which may directly of indirectly deter criminal activity, illegal drug and alcohol use, negative peer pressure, delinquency, sexual promiscuity, and low self-esteem is the need of the hour. Parents who give their teenage daughters their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves may find that they actually enjoy their daughters’ adventure through adolescence and help them to bloom into a perfect adulthood. Follow the parenting tips given here and see the change in your relationship with your daughter and enjoy your parenthood.
Parenting Tips
- Be patient with your teenage daughter. Give her some time to open up. Try to win their confidence.
- Spend time with her and try to find out her area of interest. Don’t impose your views on her.
- Care for her. Spend quality time with her conveying her that you care for her no matter what happens your love for her will not fade.
- Let her enjoy her privacy and do not interfere unnecessarily in her personal matters.
- Be there when she needs you. Don’t ever give up on her. With your love and support your daughter can handle all the obstacles in life successfully and positively with confidence and courage.
- Be her mentor and friend. A mother can be the daughter’s best friend. Don’t let her be scared of you. Try to strengthen the bond between the two of you.
- Learn to forgive and forget her wrong deeds but at the same time make her realize her mistake to correct herself with love and care.
(Article pub. in Dainik Bhaskar’s ‘Impressions’ on July 12, 2008)
