Aging, Women’s Plight

Dr. Jyoti Patil

Why women are still treated as a secondary member of the family? In a tele-soap ‘Sujata’ which is being aired by Sony Entertainment channel, the protagonist, Sujata is shown as a victim of such treatment. Her husband does not have time for her and her children have their own life. Getting neglected from all quarters she feels all alone and suffers her acute sorrow without even expressing it. Luckily she is visited by her old time college friend who had some soft corner for her. He immediately understands her trauma and tries to give her the pleasure of little things in life about which her husband could never think of, as he only keeps on expecting things from her and never tries to care for her needs. Is it the story of most of the women who devote and sacrifice their lives in taking care of their spouses, children and other relatives and in return get only cold shoulders?

In a woman’s life a time comes when she feels neglected and forlorn. A vacuum is created in her life after a certain age. When young she has to follow her parents’ instructions. When married she has to listen to her husband as well as her in-laws. When her children grow she has to look after them. But after a certain point of time when everything is settled and she has proved herself to be a good daughter, a good wife and a good mother, she needs some time to look after her own needs and requirements.

When she is a daughter her needs are postponed or sacrificed for her parents wishes. If she wants to join some course which is too expensive, she will be told to do something else and she will accept their suggestions to please them. When she is a wife she has to take care of her husband and other relatives and listen to their needs and demands. Quite often she has to again sacrifice her own likes and dislikes. When she becomes a mother the responsibilities are increased manifold. Her priorities turn towards taking good care of her children. During all these phases in life she makes lots of sacrifices without even letting others know about her heart.

At the crossroads
After pouring so much of love in the life of her family members, a stage comes in her life when she realizes that no one has time to care for her or to pay attention to her feelings and emotions. Her husband is busy outside in office work or his business and hardly has any free time to talk to her. She misses her husband’s love and care from where it is expected the most. Her children also get their friends and their own life to spend. They only turn to her when they need something from her. She stands alone doing her duties and serving the needs of her dear ones.
At the crossroads she stands alone. Quite often she tries to do something to keep herself busy. She joins some ladies club, kitty party or some part time jobs like taking tuitions, hobby classes etc. These activities keep her busy physically but mentally her emotional void becomes widened. She faces one or the other physical problems. Moreover if it is her perimenopausal stage which is a natural phenomenon in the evening of her life, she gets emotionally disturb and sometimes goes into depression. If she is not understood by the people around her, she faces a very tough time.

Women are more emotional:
It has been proved scientifically that women are more emotional than men. Therefore a woman suffers much if something goes wrong around her. She doesn’t forget things easily if something hurts her. She needs someone to listen to her hearts. She wants to pour her hearts to someone who cares for her. But in this busy world it is really difficult to have someone who can listen to her silly talks. If she gets emotionally involved with some male member then it is a tough time facing social stigma. If she doesn’t find anybody to share her thoughts she goes into depression or such other ailments which later on turn to chronic physical problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, joints pain, backache, migraine, hormonal imbalance, etc. But it is quite relieving if she gets a good female friend to whom she can confide all such things which may look silly to others but very important for her. It is a real stress buster if she spends some time talking general things in life.

Talking silly things are really an important part of life:
It is also scientifically proved that gossiping amongst friends and peer group even in offices refreshes you and relieves you of the burden of your work. It also replenishes you with renewed energy to work afresh. Talking and sharing your views with someone relieves you from the daily pressure of work and gives you a refreshing change. Let it be about Sachin Tendulkar’s performance, Salman’s ‘Thus kaa Dum’ or something about family life. All such things look silly but these things provide you a mental relaxation and a stress free time which is by all medical parameters essential in this fast changing lifestyle. For a woman at this stage it is the best remedy from such stresses which haunt her as she can not share such things easily. She finds that her near and dear are not so close and hardly have time to pay heed to her emotional needs. At this juncture if she happens to find someone who can at least listen to what is going on in her mind gives her emotional satisfaction. But in most cases she does not get anyone and suffers the pangs of suppressed feelings all alone.

At the fag end of her life she wants to lead her own life according to her own wishes and desires. She wants to be free from the responsibilities of living for others and what she desires should be respected by those who lived all their life expecting from her and depending on her for their tiniest work.

Different Experiences:

Raashi Jain was a lecturer teaching M.Sc. classes before marriage but after marriage she came to Nagpur leaving her permanent job. She became busy in household affairs and dropped the idea of doing job for the sake of her family. She was blessed with two little daughters and became busy in looking after them. Her husband was an accounts officer in a Govt. dept. When daughters grew up they require more money for their proper brought up. She then thought of doing teaching job as suggested by her husband. But things have been quite different after so many years of gap in her career. Ultimately she got a teacher’s job in a local school to teach 7th and 8th standard children. Her professional career was completely shattered. Moreover the talent who could have taught post graduate classes with professional ease has gone wasted in taking lower classes. I was witness to the fact that, where she was a lecturer in a PG College I was a PG student and I also came to Nagpur after marriage. I started my career as a senior college lecturer and found Ms Raashi Jain in the same institution as a school teacher after so many years and I felt extreme pity for her. What was her fault? Now she has the only satisfaction of making her daughters engineers and settled down but at what cost? She is at the crossroads in the evening of her life.

Reeta Bedi is a working woman who was happily married to the family of four, her husband, his mother and father and a sister. She managed both the fronts quite efficiently and made her husband and family satisfied. To make everyone happy around her, she worked round the clock without paying much attention to her own needs and desires. After three years she became the mother of two children and her sis-in-law also got married. Responsibilities increased and she devoted most of time to growing children and household work apart from her office job. But she could not share her tensions of office work with anyone at home. She had to teach her children after her work and prepare meals for the family as usual. Time passed by and gradually her children became independent and she kept a domestic help for household work. Now she feels a little free but still she does not find anyone with whom she can share her heart’s burden. Her husband is caring and loving but certain things can not be shared even with the husband. Where should she go? Keeping herself busy is not the absolute solution of this problem. Who will see to her forgotten needs and desires?

Rupa Gupta is an elderly lady with two grownup children. When the children were young she did not have a single second to spare as she had to do so many things like preparing kids’ lunchboxes, getting them ready for school, taking their homework, teaching them for school tests and feeding them their choicest dishes apart from regular household chores. Her husband was always busy outside being an executive in a reputed firm and Rupa had to do other outside work too like bank transaction, purchasing vegetables and other household things. She did not have a single second to think about her needs and requirements. Gradually children became independent and not much of the household work fell on her. But perhaps she was not ready for such change and she started feeling emptiness in her life. This emptiness syndrome was too acute in her case. She fell ill and went into depression. But to overcome the problem of emptiness she started taking tuitions but this was only a temporary relief. Perhaps she might get busy when her children get married and need a nanny for their children. Is it the solution of the problem that you again live for someone else not for yourself?

(Article for Dainik Bhasker ‘Impressions’ published on 25th Aug 2008)

LIFE REALLY BEGINS AT 40.....

 By Dr. Jyoti Patil

When I read Dr. Suchitra Mehta’s touching write up ‘Life After 40’ I became nostalgic about an incident which happened some 25 years back. Yes it is true that life today has become so superficial and shallow that one does not find a true friend or relative with whom one can confide one’s secrets or share one’s feelings. To get such a friend who can share all happy and sad moments with you is becoming a distant reality. We are all busy in our own tangles and troubles that we don’t have time to see or help others in their problems.

It is rightly said that life really begins at forty. At forty you are at the crossroads from where you can look back and see that all your childhood you were busy studying and playing. It is a carefree phase of life which Shakespeare has called ‘A Whining Schoolboy unwilling to go to school’. Then as you were young, serious studies and serious affairs occupied your life. Next came your career and as soon as you settled down marriage came. After marriage you had to plan for children and the moment children came into your life, you stopped thinking about your own likes and dislikes as the children occupied the place of preferences. But when you got your children also settled down comfortably in life you feel a little relaxed and get time to think to spend life more meaningfully than before. It is this phase of life when you start your life anew. You have plenty of time for yourself which was till then consumed by various time bound obligations and responsibilities. But for my ‘Pretty Woman’ I don’t know when life began.

I remember when I was busy in the second phase of my life, preparing for my career and doing my post graduation in a local college, I used to see a saree clad pretty woman with long hair going towards the direction of my college. I had my table tennis partner from Chemistry department and sometimes I used to go to her department to call her for practice and there I noticed the pretty woman who was a lecturer there engaging MSc. classes. Then I gathered more information about her that she was a fresh appointment, very talented in her subject and an excellent teacher. I tried to get closer to her as I was highly impressed by her simple demeanour. I started wishing her whenever I happened to go to Chemistry Department. But after six months I came to know that she was getting married, I felt elated for her but I also came to know that she was leaving her job and going to Nagpur after marriage as her husband was working there.

Time passed by and I also got married and luckily I also came to Nagpur. I had almost forgotten about my pretty woman. After I settled down I tried to get a job and I got it quite comfortably in a local senior college. I was appointed as a senior college lecturer there. My institution being unique in many ways follows Swami Dayanand Saraswati’s teachings by holding hawans, assemblies, prayers and spiritual discourses and is dedicated to the service of giving complete education (from prep to PG) exclusively to girls. Even the teachers are all women so that girls may get a secured and safe place of learning.

There I saw my pretty woman and I was surprised to see her there. I gathered that she is a fresh appointment in school. She was entirely changed. Her lovely face was wrought with worries and tensions. Her long hair was reduced to a small plait. She was not the same as she used to be during my college days. I learnt later that she got an appointment in high school but has been given only 8th and 9th standard classes to teach. I went to meet her. She immediately recognized me and expressed her happiness to see someone from her native place. She then narrated her story after her marriage.

She was happily married in a nice middle class family and she had her family responsibilities so she could not continue with her career. Then she was blessed with two lovely daughters and became busy in taking care of them. Time went by and they also became independent. Then it was felt that to meet the increasing needs of the family she should continue with her career. But it was too late by then and she could only manage to get a school teacher’s job now. I felt extreme pity to see such a talent go wasted. A person who was teaching MSc classes some twenty years back is teaching school children. I don’t know what kind of job satisfaction my pretty woman is getting now but it is sure that she has paid for the early 40 years of her life and now after 40 what remains is to ponder and prepare for something better in life.

(Article published in Daily HITVADA, on 11th Sept 2008)

Friendship Indeed…

‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’ goes the commonly accepted saying about friendship which implies that a true friend is he who comes to your rescue when you are in some dire need. Friendship, in true sense of the term, is a relation without any expectation from either side and purely a bond of two hearts in which loss and profit are never calculated. It is also not gender or age based. An old man may have a child as his true friend and a rich man may have a poor friend. Friendship is never made on any precondition. It is spontaneous and involuntary. Somebody becomes your friend because your tuning with that person matches without any additional efforts. If any additional effort is made to establish any friendship it will never last and it will be artificial.

Now a days we can see friends of various kinds like ‘bosom’ friend, ‘fast’ friend, ‘just’ friend, ’girl’ friend, ‘boy’ friend ‘business’ friend etc. But in today’s time when all blood relations and human ties are fading and warmth and intimacy are being evaporated, it is difficult to maintain a true friendship. Moreover we are becoming extra practical in our approach to life by calculating whether the relationship is beneficial for us or not. If we go on calculating things like this it is possible that in near future true friendship will be an extinct entity. Those who enjoy such friendship only know the immense emotional satisfaction and support they get from it.

Friendship with some selfish desire may end up with a bitter note and haunt both friends with nightmarish anguish. A true friend is he who maintains to enjoy your love and confidence without expecting anything in return. A true friend is he with whom you want to share all your emotions and feelings without any inhibitions or artificiality. You behave with your friend the way what you really are. You share with your friend any thing what comes into your mind. You call him at any odd time for help or for any venture and he comes without asking the reason.

Friendship gives a real meaning to your life as it is also said ‘a man is known by the company he keeps’. A friendship can not be compared with love-affairs as it is always done, for in the latter case an emotional attachment goes too far and sometimes when the expectations are high from both sides it turns out to be bitter. There are plenty of chances for such contractual friendship to fall apart but true friendship is not a contract on terms and conditions but it is purely accidental and involuntary.

There are many advantages of true friendship. A person can open out his heart to his friend, and in this way get emotional relief and comfort by sharing his worries and troubles, his joys and sorrows. It lightens his heart and relieves him from the burden of stress and strain. A person who is not blessed with such friendship suffers from innumerable diseases and mental disorders. History is full of such examples of kings who went mad because they had no friends to share their joys and sorrows. Another fruit of friendship is that a true friend illuminates the mind and removes confusion and obscurity of thought through discussion.

A true friend is a great blessing not only for the intellect but also for the emotions. Sometimes he criticises you bitterly for your wrong doing or wrong decisions. But that bitterness is like a bitter pill to correct you and save you from greater danger. Only a true friend can give sincere advice as your own judgment may be prejudiced. The advice of a friend is impersonal and unprejudiced for the improvement of your manners and morals. He helps you to be conscious of your own short-comings and makes it possible for you to improve yourself.

Getting true friend in life is also very difficult. If you have any such friend, preserve your friendship at any cost because if you lose him it will be difficult to get such friendship and your next search may end up in futility. You should keep in mind that one who has no true friend is as lonely in a crowded city as one is in a desert.

(Appeared on 5th Aug ‘8 in Daily HITVADA )

Tryst with Maidservants

It all began with the idea of keeping a maidservant. It is quite natural in Indian context to keep a housemaid for domestic help. In America things are quite different and you have to do all such things with your own hands. The concept of domestic help is not known to them. They envy Indian people for this comfort. But to get a good maidservant is not so easy and you should be lucky enough to have one.

I can at least boast that once I had a wonderful maidservant who worked so diligently and punctually that I hardly had anything to do at home. She took care of every thing at home which was possible for her. But there is a saying that happy days are not for ever and I had to shift to a new apartment.

From here my tryst with maidservants began. I kept a maidservant from day one but I was not aware of the conditions she had to put before me. She informed me that Friday is her puja day and she will come a little late. She said that she does not like dirty and unkempt rooms and she will only sweep the rooms when foot wears and other things are kept in their proper places. She will not touch the inner garments for washing and crockery should not be given to her for cleaning. She worked for few days with these uncomfortable conditions and then there was another experience. This time the conditions were less and bearable and I felt relieved for quite some time. But after a few days I realized that some of my clothes and utensils were missing. One day she was caught red-handed while she was throwing my foot wears from balcony to collect later on from the ground floor.

Then there was a lady with her daughter and some times with her two little sons. She worked honestly and I thought my search for an IDEAL BAI is over. She got more work in the same vicinity. Gradually her daughter took over her work, at least at my place. The daughter was studying in 8th standard and had a high standard of working. She started demanding better facilities viz. a supermarket mop, vacuum cleaner for dusting, washing machine for washing clothes, special kind of broom, particular brand of detergent and washing powder etc. Her demands and control over things went on increasing. Gradually she started commenting on our family matters and my little son always got involved in fighting with her. He did not allow her to enter his room whenever he was at home. She used to narrate all sorts of stories of the neighbouring families where she was working with her mother. It occurred to me that when she is narrating the stories of others to me, there is every possibility that she must be narrating my stories to other neighbours. This thought troubled me a lot. But then she got involved with a boy next to her house and eloped. Again I came back to zero from where I began.

My search for a maidservant was on again. This time I got a unique piece and it seemed that she belonged to some royal family of maidservants. She poured on a shower of conditions on me. She will work only for six days a week and like office going people, one day off is her right, she may fall ill at least four days in a month compulsorily, she does not want formal wears, towels, bed sheets, curtains etc. in washing only daily clothes should be given to her. For dirty clothes like my son’s school uniform she needs special powder. All the clothes should be put into Surf Excel at least 3 to 4 hours before her royal arrival. When she comes in the morning she should be welcomed with a special hot milky tea and if possible something to eat. As far as cleaning of utensils are concerned, there should not be breakable items, glasses and big greasy pots. Only dinner plates, curry bowls, spoons and serving pots should be given to her. If I get some guests, extra payment per head should be given to her. The list of demands does not stop here, there is another bonanza. In Diwali, Holi and other festivals special bonus (equal to monthly salary amount) should be given in addition to any good gift plus a new saree which she can show to her other friends later. In such festivals she needs extra payment for any extra work such as washing the floor, cleaning the cupboards and so on and so forth. Any how I started adjusting myself with her. I never had adjusted that way even with my husband.

Helpless you feel and helpless you become. She had a special habit of disappearing from work during wedding season and that too for five to ten days together. I was forced to manage the household affairs without her at least for ten to fifteen days in a month. I got fed up with all such experiences.

But I was not aware of some good things which I learnt from these experiences. I blame my mother-in-law who was so caring and loving that she never allowed me to do such drudgery. The training of household work was given by all my maidservants who gradually but surely trained me to do such work which my mother-in-law could not teach me. Thanks to them that today I am maidservant-free and can manage both the fronts quite efficiently. One more plus point is that even being asthmatic I can maintain a very healthy stress-free routine which is today’s most sought after desire.

Appeared on 24th June ’08 The Hitavada

Truth about Beauty

"Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder" goes the saying but do you think that there is any truth in it. As reality is always stark and biting so as our attitude towards beauty. John Keats the famous romantic poet has said "Beauty is truth and truth beauty, that is all ye know and all ye need to know." But perhaps most of us in real life do not see any example which can authenticate this claim that truth is beautiful. Beauty means something which attracts your attention and makes you feel joyful from inside. May it be a beautiful scene, a beautiful atmosphere or a beautiful living thing; we have certain parameters to measure the beauty of such things. These parameters vary from person to person and from situation to situation. Something that is very beautiful for you at some point of time can not be the same at some other point of time.

Keats has also said, "A thing of beauty is a joy for ever." My objection to this statement is again got supported by real life examples where beauty is never eternal and we have seen many beautiful things changing their status by becoming callous and dull. A man married to a girl after seeing her before marriage but after marriage he left her only on the ground that she is not beautiful. Many beautiful people don’t look so beautiful when you meet them often and see their real personality. Moreover beauty of a person resides more in his quality and less in his physical appearance. If you like some person for some reasons that person becomes beautiful for you. It also leads to the conclusion that beauty can be superficial and artificial on one hand and can be real and lasting on the other. It depends on you what kind of beauty you prefer. Some people are beautiful looking persons and some are not so beautiful (I’ll not say ‘ugly’ as that word has already been used in other reference) but their worth make them beautiful for others.

I also know a couple who was considered odd because the husband was highly qualified and handsome and the wife was twelfth failed and from a rural background, but kudos to the husband who groomed his wife to match his standards. Now the wife is superbly clad beautiful woman who can be a proud of any party with her talent in singing and matching her husband with no less quality. Beauty should not be given preference when it comes to real friendship or human ties. I have the experience of being appreciated as ‘the most charming person’ by a person on one hand and considered to be ugly duckling by some other person. Sometimes it depends on the person’s mood to see things according to his convenience and temperament.

If we see our film industry which is flooded with beautiful and smart people but there are some established actors who perhaps do not qualify our parameters for beauty; take Shahrukh Khan who has pouted nose, dark colour, shaggy look and not so handsome personality. But he is the heartthrob of millions of people just because of his hidden quality to perform excellently and perfectly. That means some additional quality in a person makes him beautiful rather than his real looks. Take another example from television, in ‘Office Office’ Pankaj Kapoor is acting so beautifully that his ugly looks is nowhere felt. There are many such examples like Smita Patil, Shabana Aazmi, Om Puri, Ajay Devgan, Nana Patekar, Dada Kondke who do not have beautiful looks but have some tremendous qualities which make them beautiful for thousands of people. Here beauty is skin deep and not superficial.

Ugliness is associated with something unlikable. At some point of time we feel somebody unlikable and loathsome which can amount to ugliness but after some twist of events we start changing our opinion about the person and the person starts looking beautiful to us. Koutilya, Socrates, George Bernard Shaw are well-known for their ugliness of appearance but on the other hand they are still remembered for their excellent qualities as economist, philosopher and novelist par excellence. Keeping a feeling of positive thinking we can see so many things around us beautiful and charming. When you start looking for beauty around you, you become beautiful for others. This is the secret of a beautiful life where ugliness does not interfere with you. Try to see beauty in nature, in people around you and in inanimate things as well. Then you need not say what T. S. Eliot has sung in ‘Four Quartets’, "Time and the bell have buried the day, The black cloud carries the beauty away."
(Published in Hitavada on 12th June 2008)

How relevant are Kitty Parties?

Recently in a television reality show "Kya aap paanchvi paas se tej hai?" anchored by Shahrukh Khan, one contestant Sweety Sethi was recognized by some ladies of Amritsar as a swindler of their kitty party collections which was amazingly 1.5 crore rupees. It was alleged that this lady had collected regular monthly sum from the members and promised them to give a hefty sum after 35 months but before the last few months she simply disappeared from the city duping them of their collections. This episode is a reminder of how ladies are gullible to such tricks so easily. In kitty party ladies generally contribute a small sum each month and through lucky draw one of them gets the full collection to utilize it for some urgent requirements.

Some times back a weekly soap which was aired from Sunday to Wednesday at 10.30 pm, canned few theme parties like kids party, where the protagonist dressed as and behaved like kids, Hawaiian party, Lavani party, where the leading ladies dressed up in nine yard sarees. The women of this "Kitty Party" discuss the issues in their lives and revel in the camaraderie. An integral part of the show, in a theme party, a dress code is decided by the lady who organizes the kitty party and all members have to dress up and join in for the party. This serial revolves around the lives of eight women from different backgrounds and age groups who meet every month for their kitty party. Each of the women in the kitty party has her own individual characteristic and personality. The story revolves around their respective families and their interaction with each other. The serial explores their individual lives, problems, hopes, disappointments, aspirations, longings, and the different shades of character each one has.

What is a Kitty Party?
In Indian perspective, life is enjoyed to the full when you have your friends and relatives around and you have intimate, tension-free moments with them. Generally men folk are busy in their office work the whole day and women at home after finishing their daily chores get some free time but they don’t get much time to meet and communicate with their neighbours or friends. Here kitty party comes to their rescue and provide them with joyous moments with their likable group. Moreover, kitty party gives an opportunity to collect some small amount of money in a way of monthly contribution of some meagre sum which can be very handy sometimes to meet with their urgent needs. This contribution may vary from Rs. 50/- to 5000/-.

Kitty party or ‘Bissi’ as popularly known in Indian middle class circles is a willing informal party of ladies where chits are arranged. In this chit system a fixed amount is collected from the members of the group and one of them gets to collect the entire amount by lucky draw. This is only one task of a kitty party. The real aim behind this is a whole hearted get together to exchange their views on some common related topics. The topic may be children and their education, husbands and their relations or for professional groups some office related topics. Moreover they have nice eatables to relish and new dishes to learn apart from fun games to relax them from their routine work. Thus, it becomes a good means of developing social and intimate relations with their likable group which is a prerogative of a healthy community life.

High class society kitty party
In a high class society kitty party is thought to be the time to showcase their newly bought designer dresses, sarees, jewellery and sometimes home appliances for the women members. But it not true for all high class groups. Now the ladies of this elite group is also utilizing this get together for some philanthropic activities such as collecting old clothes, medicines and some useful tips for poor strata of society and arranging camps to motivate women to become economically self-reliant. In this way these ladies can spend their time fruitfully, enjoying a party on one hand and doing something for the society on the other.

Middle class society kitty party
In middle and higher middle class societies, kitty party is arranged with different aims by different groups. Sometimes the group comprises of ladies of all age groups of the same neighbourhood or colony. Sometimes working women of the same profession meet in this way monthly to discuss various related issues and exchange ideas. Sometimes it is a young group of ladies of having similar areas of interest. Apart from all this the monthly collection is a big attraction for the ladies of middle class families as they keep their priority list to purchase something required by them when they get the lucky draw amount.

Lower income group kitty party
This social cum cultural activity is also very popular in lower income group families. Here it is popularly known as ‘Bissi’ where at least 20 to 50 women members of the neighbourhood join to contribute a small amount from Rs. 50/- to 500/- and collect a respectable sum to meet at least one member’s need per month. In this way they save some amount out of their tight budget. Here this party is more need-based rather than fun or info-based. This has become a colourful part of Indian life where disco-parties and rave parties have no place to stay and corrode the texture of our culture.

Sharing views on kitty parties
Deepa Lalwani, General Secretary, Sindhudi Sakhi Munch, while sharing her views becomes emotional about her kitty party group. She joined her kitty party some 24 years back when she came to Nagpur after her marriage as a young bride. Since then she has been enjoying the company of her close knit group. They meet every first Saturday in a month in the evening when their husbands and children are not at home. They involve themselves in social interaction with some mind refreshing games like puzzles, memory retention, one minute tasks and rapid round questions from day to day life apart from regular housie game. They contribute Re. 500/- every month and the collected amount is given by lucky draw or sometimes to a needy member of the group. Deepa feels that it is really useful for them as it re-energizes them and gives them a new perspective of life each time. Moreover you get an opportunity to eat homemade tasty and variety of mouthwatering dishes.

"To make life worth living and enjoyable is everyone’s desire and why womenfolk should be far behind when menfolk have all the fun and busy schedule outside?" chirped Sujata Chakravorty, Lecturer in a reputed girls’ college. Apart from her busy schedule she feels that kitty party is a welcome relief from an otherwise monotonous and tedious routine. In her group most of them are from teaching profession and share similar problems. In kitty party they discuss their common problems and find amicable solutions. She opined that it is a welcome change where one gets time to unwind and open up one’s mind freely. Her mother-in-law also attends the same party and some times they share some frisky jokes just like young friends and it is quite relieving. They attend their kitty party every second Saturday at the place of lucky draw winner of last kitty party at around 4.30 pm when they are free from their household obligations. They come to share new ideas, new trends, studies of their children and new solutions. She feels that holding a party at your place is also a great fun and adventure when you decide the recipe, games and gifts for the party and try to make it full of fun and frolic.

Dr. Uma Tripathi attends a kitty party of her flat scheme members where they discuss their problems of water supply, electricity, parking and other flat related issues. They try to find workable and agreeable solutions to difficult household issues. She says that it is a good opportunity to meet the neighbours of your vicinity whom you cannot meet at all during weekdays due to tight schedule. It is a nice get together and relaxation from daily routine. New recipes are discussed and new games are played which prove to be great stress busters. They meet last Saturday of every month to contribute Rs.1200/- each in the late afternoon. It used to be a small festive time for ladies of the vicinity to discuss various issues of common interest.

Kitty Party is one of the remaining social activities in today’s busy world which provides a healthy social interaction and social indulgence to the ladies of all groups to utilize their time fruitfully. In the flood of momentous cultural metamorphosis where disco parties, rave parties, cocktail parties, and night parties are in rampant and corroding our cultural consciousness, it is a great relief to see that kitty party is setting a healthy example of community life in our society.

Organising a Kitty Party?

If you are organizing a kitty party, take care to follow some tips:

• Since kitty parties are mostly an informal get together, make it more homely rather than making it artificially formal by arranging the party room with cozy seating arrangement.
• Welcome all the members with a happy wholehearted hug or by shaking hands. Make them comfortable in the party room. Talk to them individually for a few moments about their wellbeing and family.
• Don’t exert too much for preparing time consuming dishes. Prefer tasty but easy to cook n’ serve dishes. Do all the preparations well in advance so that on the party day you feel relaxed and free to talk to all the members individually.
• Don’t give undue importance to some particular member otherwise other members might feel ignored. Each member in the party is equally important and should be given equal importance.
• Arrange lighthearted and full of fun games where more members are involved and others who are watching can also enjoy it by encouraging them.
• Take the consent of all the members for newly introduced things and ideas. Lucky draw should be purely done by members other than the host.
• See that your game prizes are utility items and handy. In Housie games new special prizes can be announced for a member who has not won any prize in the party.
• While concluding the party extend your wholehearted thanks to each member for their fruitful contribution to the party and spending nice time with you.
  Some fun games
  TOUCH N’ TELL:
  In this game fill a pillowcase with number of household items and bring that before the members to touch and feel the items and recognize them. Give a piece of paper and pencil to each member. Give each member thirty seconds to feel the contents of the pillowcase through the fabric. Then tell them to jot down the names of the items. You can make each member to read the list aloud to have more fun. Prize will be given to the member with most correct guesses.
  APPLE ON THE HEAD:
  Make pairs by distributing two similar chits with pictures of some animals or flowers on it. Distribute the chits and call for pairs with similar pictures. When pairs are formed call one pair to keep an apple between their foreheads and then give instruction like "Three steps to the left", One step to the right", "squat", "Move around from the left" etc. If the apple is dropped in following the instruction, the pair is out.
  PICKING PEANUTS:
  This game is quite easy to arrange but a bit difficult for the players. Take a thaali or a dinner plate, put some peanuts on it and give two pencils to pick peanuts from the thaali and keep in a bowl. Give one minute to pick and highest picker will win the prize.
  PUBLISHED ON 26TH JULY 2008 IN DAINIK BHASKAR ‘IMPRESSIONS’

Marriages on the Rocks

Reena Khanuja an MBA who is working with a reputed firm, got married to a Delhi based boy of her parents’ choice. Her parents gave Re. 10 lakh as dowry, with a well furnished flat at Delhi. But after hardly a month of marriage she came back to her parents’ home never to return to her husband. She is reluctant to tell the true reason behind her drastic decision. She only tells that it was a grievous mistake of her life to marry that boy. She did not have any previous affairs but she is not ready to say anything about the boy. Such kinds of stories are now becoming more frequent than the marriages themselves.

You go to attend a lavish marriage party where the bride and the groom both look an ideal couple and you praise the match to be the perfect one. But after a month or so, when you come to know that the wedding which was looking so trendsetting in all respects is on the verge of breaking. Some times the boy has some reasons just as the girl is not beautiful or she is not of his type or she is boring. Sometimes the girl has her reasons that the boy has some previous affairs or he is still involved with someone in his office or he has some bad habits. The serious reasons for girls to file divorce cases generally are that he is an addict or he is abusive physically or he is not having any conjugal relations with her.

Reasons becoming more casual and non-serious
To make our life a hell is easy but to make it happy is rather difficult because we do not try to adjust with the situation but on the contrary we expect an ideal situation ready for us. Tolerance, forbearance and adjustment once were the gem words which Indians and more particularly Indian women were associated with. These are the qualities which are fast disappearing from our relationships and ties and making most of our relations sour and bitter in place of giving solace and satisfaction. Therefore, the intimate relations of man and wife, mother and son, father and daughter are losing their intimacy and bond. Marriage being an intimate issue and a very important event of a person’s life is losing its relevance in the modern context where material benefits are being preferred rather than mental solace.

But it is highly astounding to find that now-a-days the reasons for living separately are so casual and non-serious that one finds it silly in such serious life matters. Since married life is based on understanding and caring and perhaps it is the basis of any relationship to have good understanding and caring for each other and if both the sides only expect from each other rather than understanding each other, it will be difficult to carry on with such relationships. In any relationship adjustment is a very important issue as nobody is perfect, one has to see the positive aspects of a person to maintain the relationship.

Uncompromising Attitudes on the rise
These days it is not only the boy who looks uncompromising but the girl also looks equally uncompromising, rather more uncompromising. To take one example and to my experience which is on the rise is the girl’s rising expectations from her husband and his family.

Poonam Sharma got married to Romesh, a boy of her choice through shaadi.com. Parents were also happy that she ultimately got ready for marriage and got a perfect match. Her marriage was a big extravaganza with all fanfare and frolic. A memorable marriage ceremony took place and everybody was thrilled to witness such a grand celebration. Things looked quite normal for sometime but unlike a fairytale which always ends happily, nothing happened normal afterwards. The news of friction started coming to girl’s parents. The girl came back with a plea that she can not live with the boy because she does not want his parents to stay with him. She wants a free life and no interference from his parents.

Girls are becoming more uncompromising
It has been constantly noticed that girls in particular are becoming more and more uncompromising as far as marriage is concerned. They put many conditions even before marriage just as a flat of his own, some electronic gadgets, home appliances and jewellery should be purchased according to their choice. They go up to the extent of choosing the colour and design of the walls, curtains, sofa etc. The reason behind this trend change may be attributed to their economic independence, age factor and social awareness.

Dolly Dutta, an IT Engineer, got married to an engineer but within a few days she came back as she did not like his face and his attitude. Can this silly reason be given to break a bond like this? On the other hand the boy these days wants an unrestricted life without any responsibility. He does not have much time to spare for his family because of his hectic office schedule and work stress. Moreover extra-marital relations have become so rampant that the new generation doesn’t see anything wrong in it. This eroding moral attitude has become another problem for such sacred relationship which gives a real meaning to life.

Let’s count the reasons for increase in breaking of marriages:

• Marriage is taken today as a social burden and with more responsibility.
• The level of adjustment from both sides has lowered.
• The uncompromising attitude of the boy in some cases and of the girl in some cases.
• Increase in domestic violence and loss of tolerance level.
• The overindulgence of the girl’s parents in their married life.
• Dowry greedy parents of the boy who remain unquenched even after getting dowry.
• Interference of the boy’s parents in day to day affairs of his conjugal life.
• Extra-marital affairs can be counted as one of the serious reasons which are really traumatic for both the sides.
• Increase in live-in relationship and companionship of western lifestyle which is gradually being adopted by career-crazy extra practical young generation, who do not want to take risk of extra burden of marriage and thereafter of children.

To get separated after marriage is not only painful but it also affects the whole texture of one’s life. It is a kind of mental disaster which sometimes brings a person on the brink of breaking. Marriage is a beautiful bond of two hearts which gives a couple a chance to adjust with each other. It should not be seen as an unwanted burdensome bondage. Ups and downs are always there in life and one has to take it as a challenge and try to prove oneself a winner and not a loser.

How can the marriage on the rocks be saved?

• Both, the boy and the girl should first of all realize that marriage is not a competition where they have to dominate each other.
• They should both adjust and not impose their wishes and wants on each other.
• It is a relationship strongly emotional and not merely physical as thought by most of the youngsters. Therefore understanding each other’s mind and temperament is very important.
• To save the marriage on the rocks, it is of utmost importance to spare time to spend with each other in an attempt to understand the problem area and to develop a communication rapport.
• Keep in mind the mantra that ‘the more you give the more you get’ as you give more love and care in return you will get more love and care and if you just expect from the other to do what you want, naturally the other will expect the same from you. Then there will be shattered expectations and negative feelings and once the seed of negative feeling is sown it is difficult to overcome it.
• Whenever you do not find a solution with mutual conversation, do take help from some close friends, senior members of the family or parents.
• If the matter seems to be more serious, before breaking you should definitely consult a counsellor, who can play a very important role in cementing the withering ties.

Always keep in mind that breaking is always easier than making or maintaining, but if you escape from one such situation by breaking perhaps the worse is waiting for you with no escape. Try to make and maintain because God has given you the best you deserve.

Published in Dainik Bhasar IMPRESSIONS on 6th Sep. 2008

Yellow or Black Journalism

Yellow or Black Journalism
By Jyoti Prakash Patil

In this cyber age we are racing so fast that we need instant and cooked up things. Jhatpat khabre, Khabre superfast, khabre fatafat etc. are doing booming business. Earlier for news we used to depend upon daily, weekly and bi-weekly newspapers. We had radio to broadcast news faster than newspapers. But now most of us like to sit before Idiot Box which is smart enough to make us waste our precious time by befooling us in many ways. I am going to talk about a new type of journalism which perhaps is bleaker than the yellow journalism.
In earlier days yellow journalism (peet patrakarita) was regarded as a blot to honest journalism. Yellow journalism is a pejorative reference to journalism that features sex scandals, scandal-mongering, sensationalism, or other unethical or unprofessional practices by news media organizations or journalists. It was regarded as something heinous and atrocious. The term was coined in the 1890s to describe the tactics employed in furious competition by two New York City newspapers when Joseph Pulitzer’s ‘New York World’ and William Randolph Hearst’s ‘New York Journal’ were accused of sensationalizing the news in order to drive up circulation. Pulitzer and Hearst were blamed for drawing the nation into the Spanish-American War with sensational stories.
Tony Berman, editor-in-chief, CNB News has commented "Every news organization has only its credibility and reputation to rely on." Like many broader ethical systems, journalism ethics include the principle of "limitation of harm." This often involves the withholding of certain details from reports such as the names of minors, crime victims’ names or information not materially related to particular news reports release of which might, for example, harm someone’s reputation.
Today I feel that this yellow journalism has become BLACK and is choking up the news channels on which the common people depended with shrieking, gaudy, sensation-loving, devil-may-care kinds of journalism. This turned the high drama of life into a cheap melodrama and led to stories being twisted into the forms best suited to their ulterior motives for TRP by catchy clippings like TV se hanta mat, Sabse bada khulasa, Kahi jayiga nahi, Remote ko mat chhuna etc.
Breaking news are flooding every news channel which boasts to be Sabse Tez and Sabse Pahle and then serve us with news special such as, The World is dying, Hava mein latki Ladki, Shani ka prakop, pani aur aakash per chalta aadmi, Aliens are watching you, etc. I think they look more like documentary channels rather than news channels or we can say they are becoming entertainment channels. The real issues of everyday life are being sidelined to attract the attention of news viewers by hook or crook and by keeping all the ethical codes at bay. Truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity, impartiality, fairness and public accountability are all ignored easily to earn more money. For this the online media is using easy tactics of glamorizing and sensationalizing the information.
A very noticeable change in the news today is that we don’t see politicians and ministers attending meeting, inaugurating events, speaking on various issues etc. find prominence in the news headlines. Instead we see Rakhi Sawant talking candidly about her life, Mallika Sherawat doing some Hollywood film or Bebo and Saif flirting in public. Nudity of all sorts has become garam masala of every news channel. Here newspapers are also not far behind. Pick up a paper and see semi-nude blondes huddled with the very name of the newspaper on the top. These cheer girls of all sorts are capturing the major chunk of news headlines as well as other supplements.
Another thing most of us notice today is that undue importance is given to some trivial and localized news which hardly affect the people in general. Prince in 40ft bore well, some heroine having affair with xyz, breaking out, a girl eloped with a boy and being tortured by both the families, some television actress is washing her dirty linen in public etc.
The allegations leveled by some channel icons that people want sensational news in the line of ‘jo dikhata hai woh bikta hai’ is baseless because media today is so powerful that it can draw the attention of public in general to some genuine issues with professional ease. In cinema also a good storyline film is always a box office hit rather than a masala movie.
Even in MBA and Mass Media courses it is taught to grab the opportunity risking your honesty and truthfulness and toss the ladder when you climb so that others can never catch up with you. Is this the culture we wish to leave behind for the next generation? There are so many burning issues like global warming, water scarcity, corruption in all walks of life, terrorism and violence, disintegration of family system etc. which can be taken up. Of course we will all agree despite all these dirty breakneck competitions some news channels are taking up burning issues and healthy discussions for the betterment of society and they should be lauded for their efforts. Winning awards should not be the aim of news channels but if they come your way by such healthy practice it is more satisfying.

(Sent to Dainik Bhaskar’s Impressions and published on 2nd Aug 2008)