Marriages on the Rocks

Reena Khanuja an MBA who is working with a reputed firm, got married to a Delhi based boy of her parents’ choice. Her parents gave Re. 10 lakh as dowry, with a well furnished flat at Delhi. But after hardly a month of marriage she came back to her parents’ home never to return to her husband. She is reluctant to tell the true reason behind her drastic decision. She only tells that it was a grievous mistake of her life to marry that boy. She did not have any previous affairs but she is not ready to say anything about the boy. Such kinds of stories are now becoming more frequent than the marriages themselves.

You go to attend a lavish marriage party where the bride and the groom both look an ideal couple and you praise the match to be the perfect one. But after a month or so, when you come to know that the wedding which was looking so trendsetting in all respects is on the verge of breaking. Some times the boy has some reasons just as the girl is not beautiful or she is not of his type or she is boring. Sometimes the girl has her reasons that the boy has some previous affairs or he is still involved with someone in his office or he has some bad habits. The serious reasons for girls to file divorce cases generally are that he is an addict or he is abusive physically or he is not having any conjugal relations with her.

Reasons becoming more casual and non-serious
To make our life a hell is easy but to make it happy is rather difficult because we do not try to adjust with the situation but on the contrary we expect an ideal situation ready for us. Tolerance, forbearance and adjustment once were the gem words which Indians and more particularly Indian women were associated with. These are the qualities which are fast disappearing from our relationships and ties and making most of our relations sour and bitter in place of giving solace and satisfaction. Therefore, the intimate relations of man and wife, mother and son, father and daughter are losing their intimacy and bond. Marriage being an intimate issue and a very important event of a person’s life is losing its relevance in the modern context where material benefits are being preferred rather than mental solace.

But it is highly astounding to find that now-a-days the reasons for living separately are so casual and non-serious that one finds it silly in such serious life matters. Since married life is based on understanding and caring and perhaps it is the basis of any relationship to have good understanding and caring for each other and if both the sides only expect from each other rather than understanding each other, it will be difficult to carry on with such relationships. In any relationship adjustment is a very important issue as nobody is perfect, one has to see the positive aspects of a person to maintain the relationship.

Uncompromising Attitudes on the rise
These days it is not only the boy who looks uncompromising but the girl also looks equally uncompromising, rather more uncompromising. To take one example and to my experience which is on the rise is the girl’s rising expectations from her husband and his family.

Poonam Sharma got married to Romesh, a boy of her choice through shaadi.com. Parents were also happy that she ultimately got ready for marriage and got a perfect match. Her marriage was a big extravaganza with all fanfare and frolic. A memorable marriage ceremony took place and everybody was thrilled to witness such a grand celebration. Things looked quite normal for sometime but unlike a fairytale which always ends happily, nothing happened normal afterwards. The news of friction started coming to girl’s parents. The girl came back with a plea that she can not live with the boy because she does not want his parents to stay with him. She wants a free life and no interference from his parents.

Girls are becoming more uncompromising
It has been constantly noticed that girls in particular are becoming more and more uncompromising as far as marriage is concerned. They put many conditions even before marriage just as a flat of his own, some electronic gadgets, home appliances and jewellery should be purchased according to their choice. They go up to the extent of choosing the colour and design of the walls, curtains, sofa etc. The reason behind this trend change may be attributed to their economic independence, age factor and social awareness.

Dolly Dutta, an IT Engineer, got married to an engineer but within a few days she came back as she did not like his face and his attitude. Can this silly reason be given to break a bond like this? On the other hand the boy these days wants an unrestricted life without any responsibility. He does not have much time to spare for his family because of his hectic office schedule and work stress. Moreover extra-marital relations have become so rampant that the new generation doesn’t see anything wrong in it. This eroding moral attitude has become another problem for such sacred relationship which gives a real meaning to life.

Let’s count the reasons for increase in breaking of marriages:

• Marriage is taken today as a social burden and with more responsibility.
• The level of adjustment from both sides has lowered.
• The uncompromising attitude of the boy in some cases and of the girl in some cases.
• Increase in domestic violence and loss of tolerance level.
• The overindulgence of the girl’s parents in their married life.
• Dowry greedy parents of the boy who remain unquenched even after getting dowry.
• Interference of the boy’s parents in day to day affairs of his conjugal life.
• Extra-marital affairs can be counted as one of the serious reasons which are really traumatic for both the sides.
• Increase in live-in relationship and companionship of western lifestyle which is gradually being adopted by career-crazy extra practical young generation, who do not want to take risk of extra burden of marriage and thereafter of children.

To get separated after marriage is not only painful but it also affects the whole texture of one’s life. It is a kind of mental disaster which sometimes brings a person on the brink of breaking. Marriage is a beautiful bond of two hearts which gives a couple a chance to adjust with each other. It should not be seen as an unwanted burdensome bondage. Ups and downs are always there in life and one has to take it as a challenge and try to prove oneself a winner and not a loser.

How can the marriage on the rocks be saved?

• Both, the boy and the girl should first of all realize that marriage is not a competition where they have to dominate each other.
• They should both adjust and not impose their wishes and wants on each other.
• It is a relationship strongly emotional and not merely physical as thought by most of the youngsters. Therefore understanding each other’s mind and temperament is very important.
• To save the marriage on the rocks, it is of utmost importance to spare time to spend with each other in an attempt to understand the problem area and to develop a communication rapport.
• Keep in mind the mantra that ‘the more you give the more you get’ as you give more love and care in return you will get more love and care and if you just expect from the other to do what you want, naturally the other will expect the same from you. Then there will be shattered expectations and negative feelings and once the seed of negative feeling is sown it is difficult to overcome it.
• Whenever you do not find a solution with mutual conversation, do take help from some close friends, senior members of the family or parents.
• If the matter seems to be more serious, before breaking you should definitely consult a counsellor, who can play a very important role in cementing the withering ties.

Always keep in mind that breaking is always easier than making or maintaining, but if you escape from one such situation by breaking perhaps the worse is waiting for you with no escape. Try to make and maintain because God has given you the best you deserve.

Published in Dainik Bhasar IMPRESSIONS on 6th Sep. 2008